Magnificent Mezmo/ The Bodice Ripper

A talented but tormented hypnotist and magician, Mezmo has finally struck gold. He’s invented a strange green elixir. It allows him to control minds and hypnotize at will! Unfortunately it also unleashed his pent-up desire to squeeze women’s boobs. Lots of boobs. In public. Immediately! Too bad the thing he’s worked his whole life for is now ruining it. Even his lady friend Greta Green is beginning to take her blinders off and suspect there’s something wrong. In his heart he loves her but Greta’s breasts are much too flat for him to feel any physical attraction. (Jim Carrey, Mark Capri - Titanic)

Sergeant John Singer

Our handsome working class policeman protagonist finds himself on the trail of the Bodice Ripper and on the career fast-track to Scotland Yard after years of toil patrolling the slums. Good hearted but naïve, he sees Ripper victims up and down the social ladder with everyone living one life in public and another in private. Yet all the while he hides his own secret, groin-related deformity. Will he ever let a woman make him whole, or at least touch his crotch? (Orlando Bloom, Christian Bale, Josh Hartnett)

The Inspector

Cunning and backstabbing, the Inspector is on the case early. Too bad he cares more about getting promoted than solving the crime. After one too many screw ups he’s demoted to the slums and must do anything he can to get his old position back. Plus the bribes that went with it. Does he have enough smarts to catch the Ripper and come back on top? On his salt and pepper hair a coal black toupee sits yarmulke-like at all times. (Billy Murray, Michael Caine, John Cleese, Terry Jones, Eric Idle)

Mona Lott

A huge breasted whore, Mona was the talk of London and charged prices to match. Then she spent too much time in the gin house and ended up in the gutter. Whitechapel. Too bad the slum’s not a safe place for a woman late at night. Sometimes when the heat is on she sobers up and entertains at Madam Ovary’s strip club. Her show is a one of a kind experience. Make that two! If she could only lay off gin long enough to save some serious money. She’s cheap but tracks every pence. She’s been known to put individual body parts on special, plus don’t forget to ask about her group rates! (Tracey Ullman, Madonna, Nicole Kidman)

Abbey Westminster

Sloe eyed and Lewinskyesque, twentysomething Abbey  looks the innocent ingénue at first. Then you notice she takes guys to restaurants and makes out in the private booth with her GrandmaMA watching. Funny thing is her blonde sister Tess is the wild one! Abbey would rather break the rules in a low key way. She finds Singer attractive as much for his exciting job as his looks or personality. Too bad her parents don’t want her dating working class coppers. Privately, Abbey fears her small breasts make her look unattractive.

Mr. Westminster

This bumbling playboy is still quite handsome in his forties. In public he and his wife make a picturesque couple. In private he’s out every night at the Gentleman’s Club, the ale house, Madam Ovary's titty bar. Good thing his wife is such a great money manager, but that’s why she married him! Whenever she gives him spending money he buys the latest high tech gadgets. In his new mansion he’s bought all the latest things: electricity, light bulbs, a telephone and a toilet made by Thomas Crapper that cost as much as a horse.

Mrs. Westminster

In public her rich husband seems in charge, but in private glamorous Mrs. Westminster handles the finances and investing, especially the purchase of their latest mansion. She puts up with his dizzy, late night shenanigans because she needs his money to make a respectable home life for daughters Tess and Abbey, plus her mother, GrandmaMA. At least, that’s how things were before the Bodice Ripper came to town, nearly exposing their sham marriage! Fortunately her breasts are only medium sized so at least she shouldn’t have to worry about being ‘ripped.’ (Carol Burnett, Julie Andrews, Tracey Ullman, Maggie Smith)

Sergeant Pearce

As a Gay cop Pearce is the most disjointed character. His public and private lives never meet on the street. To the police he’s a Poof, to the Poofs he’s police. Good thing he’s been able to keep things separate. Fact is, he’s got it made. He has his handsome way with the boys then goes out and patrols the streets with none the wiser. He’s happy and doesn’t think about getting ahead. Then the Bodice Ripper cuts his life in half and both ends unravel forever! (DJ Myers)

Greta Green

Lovestruck Greta finances Mezmo’s hypnotic research with her inheritance. Now that’s almost gone, along with her patience for Mezmo’s boob grabbing sprees. The more he uses this bizarre new elixir the more he runs out on her! She is nearly ready to leave him again (like in Moscow when a jeweler had him arrested for fondling the Faberge eggs).  Will Mezmo’s research pay off and make this emotional hell worthwhile? If he’d just look beyond her tiny breasts and realize how much he loves her. Can she convince him in time!? (Carrie Ann Moss, Liv Tyler)

Tess Westminster

The Shirley Temple curls give Tess a childlike charm in public, but in private she’s a pent up, big breasted sex machine! Compared to her sister Abbey she’s the louder, lustier, more extroverted one. Too bad she’s got to keep her virginity to marry a rich gent and get his money. Fortunately she can have a lot of fun just letting them in the “back way” and still pass the virgin test. She’s pushy and likes to get her way, especially with men but that leads to more than she bargained for. Now she’ll never use a public lavatory again!

Madam Ovary

Elegant, middle aged Madam Ovary dresses schoolmarmishly conservative. That  makes it harder to guess how her quaint cigar store fronts London’s best booby emporium! A skin filled oasis in the Victorian desert, her speakeasy features all day strippers and shows starring Mona Lott and her dancing bosoms. She used to be a stripper herself and has the big boobs to show for it still! That makes her Ripper bait. Against her midget stage manager's advice she is dating her best customer, handsome married playboy Mr. Westminster. (Carol Burnett, Julie Andrews, Maggie Smith)

GrandmaMA

Tipsy GrandmaMA is never without her liquor. Her highly absorbent undergarments let her drink all day with only one trip to the water closet. Tongue loosed by her refreshment she soon gives unwanted advice and criticizes her ditsy son-in-law Westminster. She keeps her two beautiful granddaughters Tess and Abbey well versed in proper ladies behavior, like always covering naked piano legs and never shelving books by male and female authors together (unless married). Her breasts are unremarkable. (Jonathan Winters, Maggie Smith)

Queen Victoria

Only has a private life. Doesn’t get out much and wouldn’t have it any other way. Unwilling or unable to invent a public face for herself, she lives a balanced life outside the people’s view. It all started after her husband Albert died.

Twenty-six years, seven months, four days and three hours ago. That’s when she began obsessively mourning. Stopped all public appearances. She got over his death, but the whole thing was such a good excuse to keep out of the public eye that she stayed out. Her subjects rarely see her, even now in her Golden Jubilee year. Fifty years on the throne! Her big breasts haven’t stood up to gravity, of course. They look like cantaloupes in pantyhose. (Judi Densch, Jonathan Winters, Maggie Smith)

The Copycat

Prudish Victorian London drives the Copycat crazy, literally! He shares the Bodice Ripper’s love of big bosoms and when he reads about the crimes in the paper he decides to try squeezing some bristols of his own! After his attack on Miss Westminster in the lavatory with the broomstick he went into hiding. Little is known of  his previous life as the police decided to hang first, question later. (Danny Devito, Terry Gilliam)